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Regrets About Yesterday

Affiliate Disclosure | in Motherhood | by | with 28 Comments

Yesterday’s post received more first-time visitors than ever before in Mommpotamus Land. You know what? In one way I felt relieved and in another way sad. Relieved because I was thinking to myself “It’s okay, they’ll probably never come back.” Sad because I knew that if they didn’t it would be because I failed to connect with them and communicate something that is vitally important. Even worse, it might drive away some blogging friends that I have truly come to care about. Women who are passionate about breastfeeding, attachment parenting, and real food, but who likely do not believe exactly as I do.

What’s vitally important to me? It’s not issues or advocacy, I’ll tell you that. Of course, I like writing about issues. Somewhere around the seventh grade I learned that if you think differently than the mainstream, keep your mouth shut or be ridiculed. I have never thought like the mainstream and have therefore spent the last two decades keeping my thoughts to myself.

To my surprise, my most popular posts come from the secret thoughts I have kept private for so long. They are the ones I am both proudest of and most ashamed.  Proud because they are the ones I “dig deep” for. They reflect the oh-so-fringe parts of who I am, and when people graciously embrace that part of me it floors me. It’s humbling and exhilarating. There’s nothing quite like having dark parts brought to the light and loved.

But there is shame, too, because as I have revealed more and more of myself here something has begun to bother me. The deeper I dig the more incomplete I find I am. Yesterday I agonized over the one element that seemed missing from my post: Love.

I couldn’t find the words to express one thing to the many types of visitors — those who are on the pill, those who support abortion rights, those who have been on the pill and felt guilty while reading my post, those who didn’t, and many others — and that one thing is love. It seems too sappy, or too simple, just to tell you that no matter who you are or what you believe I care about you. But it’s true.

It’s going to take a lot of work (more than I really want to think about), but when it’s all said and done I want the causes and the soapboxes to fade into the background. When people come here, I want them to feel loved, supported, and understood.

I don’t know if it is just that I’m not a naturally warm person or what, but it is painfully obvious that I’m better with issues and ideas than with love. I am an incomplete person. This blog has shown me that in very uncomfortable, public ways. But if you’ll come back I’d like to stick with it, because it is only when I’m trying to reach you that I am willing to do the work on myself that really needs to be done anyway.

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28 Responses to Regrets About Yesterday

  1. Kevin says:

    Don’t regret, Mommypotamus! Will all of your readers agree with everything you write? No. Should we? No!!! All that matters is that you write from your heart and mind…and from what I’ve read so far, that’s precisely what you’ve been doing. If you’re looking for a vote of confidence, you’ve got mine! Cheers!

    • Heather says:

      Thanks Kevin. I think it is your first time commenting here, and you couldn’t have picked a better day ; – )

  2. Maggie says:

    HUGS! I think your post yesterday was more about bringing an issue to the spotlight so that women could honestly evaluate their own birth control methods. But, I do see how you are feeling what you are feeling….so, HUGS! :)

    • Heather says:

      Thank you, Maggie. I’ve never received a *HUG* comment before, but it actually does have a very similar effect to a hug!

  3. Shelly Pope says:

    HI there, I am one of the ones who visited your page for the first time yesterday… I loved your post as it’s something I feel passionately about as well. Kudos to you for your bravery, and no regrets!

    • Heather says:

      Hi Shelly! It’s great to get some feedback on yesterday’s post from a first time reader. Thanks for coming back ; – )

  4. Des says:

    did you get a lot of dissenting emails? Because I read through the comments and it seemed that everyone was really positive and in agreement! Is this worry about perceived offense or actual offense? regardless, keep your chin up! I personally don’t share your views on why you choose not to use it, even though I don’t use birth control pills myself (All those extra hormones make me CRAZY! literally, almost certifiably crazy and I swear one day they are going to come out with a study that shows it is very bad for you health wise, but that’s my opinion!), but not sharing your point of view does not make me think you are unloving at all! This is the fun part of blogging, making people think. Don’t get discouraged!

    • Heather says:

      Destiny – I didn’t get ANY dissenting emails or comments . . . that was what worried me! I know a lot of pro-life Christians use the pill and I was expecting this to ruffle some feathers, but the response seemed to be agreement or silence. Not that I mind the agreement. I am so glad there are more informed people out there than I realized!

      Also, I know that not everyone reading is pro-life. They are friends I have met online and I have read their blogs, and I did/do feel concerned that I may have made them feel alienated.

      What I’m trying to say is, when I post a view that I KNOW is uncommon and no one disagrees with me I wonder why. Is it because I didn’t set the tone in such a way that they feel safe to share their views without judgment?

      One time when Daniel and I were having a rough time in our marriage he read this book that said “As long as your wife is still arguing with you there’s hope. When she stops that, she has given up.” I think there is some truth in that statement, and it was on my mind a lot yesterday. When I think about how it applies to my blog, it goes like this “As long as people feel safe enough to disagree with you the conversation continues.” That is what I want.

      Oh, and you are correct: BC pills are VERY unhealthy for women. The research already exists to prove that. Another post, no?

      Thank you as always for your support despite our different styles ; – )

  5. Mae says:

    Heather! I don’t think I saw one person, here or on FB who was outraged that you would give them this information :[
    I’m sorry you’re having a rough time, but know that out of all of the blogs I read, I NEVER feel judged or belittled by you. I never feel you’re waiving your finger at me, or that you’re asking me to live up to your standards. I think your heart shines through more than you know!

  6. Julie says:

    I think one of the greatest things you offer from your blog posts is lack of judgment for those who feel/believe/think differently. It shines through. That’s why this pro-choice, former lawyer, liberal, voted for Obama, never leaving NYC, childless by choice person reads it. And that shined through yesterday. You take responsibility for your convictions and for your choices. You may not make people agree with you all the time, but you make a lot of people think, myself included. You open people’s eyes to things they were previously ignorant about. There are tons of child-rearing issues I don’t think about, b/c I have no practical reason to do so. So my opinions on some things are very uninformed and cursory. But I might have a child someday, and it’s a good thing to have thought about some issues and decisions BEFOREHAND. And you bring a lot of those issues to the forefront. I loved your post about sonograms. I always assumed that of course I’d find out the sex of the baby if I ever get pregnant, of course I’d get sonograms. I simply didn’t know. But reading your blog post prompted me to do some research of my own. And now? No way.

    Yesterday you presented your research respectfully and accurately while stating your opinion about abortion, and communicating to others that they can of course disagree and discuss. What more can anyone ask for? That IS love.

    • Heather says:

      Julie – It’s like you peeked inside my mind and told me exactly what I wanted/needed to hear before even I knew what that would be! If this were a dinner party gathering instead of a blog I would put you at the head of my table as an honored guest. Thank you so much for being here.

  7. Jerri says:

    I so appreciate your tender heart. It is very obvious that you care more about people, about love, than the issues that you write about. I have never sensed judgment or condemnation from you in the slightest way. The fact that you think out of the box and non-main stream is refreshing. You are precious, and I’m so glad I know you!

    • Jerri says:

      No need to click on my “latest blog” above. It’s a random photo, and I’m trying to figure out why it’s not working right. :-)

    • Heather says:

      Thank you, Jerri! It’s strange that now that you are so far away we seem to cross paths much more often, but I’m glad!

  8. Vickie says:

    As I was telling Angie, I love your blog! For exactly the reason that you feel is missing. You have an amazing way of portraying information without slapping someone in the face. You present this information and I feel like it’s a matter of whether I want to take it or leave it, but you don’t force it on us or portray hatred for those who oppose… It’s exactly the opposite in my mind. When I personally read your blog, I feel like you care enough to put truth out there without condemnation and that is why I keep reading your blog.

    • Heather says:

      Thank you for your comment, Vickie. Of course what you described is what I’m aiming for when I write, but it’s hard to tell how it comes across sometimes. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts.

  9. Amanda says:

    I’m a terrible internet surfer, and was lucky enough to get turned onto your blog by a friend. I’m also surprised at how little opposition you received in the comments, but I was more happy that more people seemed to be able to take the information and the post without attacking each other. It gave me hope for the future of society that I pessimistically have very little expectations for. Don’t regret it, it was well thought out and well phrased. I’ve subscribed and will be back for more! Thank you for all that you stand for Heather!

    • Heather says:

      Hi Amanda, it’s great to “meet” you. I stopped by your blog and I have to say, your little girl is precious! And I am thoroughly jealous that you can knit AND crochet ; – ) For those that can’t, there’s always Etsy, though!

  10. Christie says:

    I thought your post was a great way to get some much needed information out. I had heard this about the IUD’s but not BC itself. I thought you did a great job and, being someone that used BC up until I decided to have Children,I am glad to have this new information! I do not practice all of the same parenting/lifestyle choices as you but I sure do love getting new ideas or finding out what is working for others. I found your blog randomly and now I check it daily. This is one reader that is going to keep coming back!

  11. Melodie says:

    I am just tuning into all of this today as I have been away from my reader for awhile. I thought your post was great. I haven’t taken the BCP for about 15 years and never will again, but for different reasons than you discussed in your post. They made me feel sick and I didn’t like the idea of putting something into my body that shouldn’t be there at that level. When I was in my 20’s because of chemical/latex/pill sensitivity I ended up taking the Morning-After Pill more times than I am happy with. It was a bit hypocritical that I wouldn’t take the pill but would take the MAP, but I felt (back then) that I could handle the huge surge of hormones to prevent a pregnancy because I preferred that over being pregnant. I didn’t know anything about natural prevention through charting or anything back then. And I wasn’t in a relationship that I knew would stand the test of time. I forgive myself for these choices I made. I was young and not as lucky to find my soul mate back then. But above all, I was pro-choice too, and I still am. But you know what? When I read your post I immediately thought of all of my friends in bloggy-land who believe how you believe. I thought “I should hook them up. I bet they would love this post.” I love that I have blog friends and friends in real life who all have differing views and those who are courageous and passionate enough to write or talk about it have all of my support. Nicely done Heather. :)

    • Heather says:

      Confession time, Melodie. You were one of the three people I was thinking of when I wrote this post. I also cherish the friendships I have with people that have all kinds of different views than me and I don’t want to damage them! It is REALLY, REALLY good to hear from you ; – )

      And I totally understand about Google reader. I’ve been away from mine so long now it is sending me chocolates and flowers. I told it that it was me, not it, but it doesn’t believe me.

  12. Elzane says:

    Dear Heather!
    I so much enjoy all your posts! Wish you were ‘here’ many years ago!
    I have a question for you, if I may: Regarding natural Birth Control. Any insites or referalls would be appreciated. I am in my middle 40’s and have never use any pills, but my periods are very close to each other [15-16 days apart] and maybe using one of the more natural methods, can change that. Also very painful, although a great improvement since doing Paleo for the last year.
    I thank you for your time and a big ‘Hug’ to you! e

  13. Jessi says:

    Our views on food align very closely. Our views on many other things don’t at all. Despite that, I don’t think your previous post on birth control contains anything that you need to apologize for. It’s important woman know what they’re putting in their bodies and what exactly it is doing to their bodies. My concern about many contraceptives has little if anything to do twith what you posted, but rather the chemicals they contain and the potential undisclosed side effects for the mom and future children. But woman should be fully informed on all of the peices and make that choice for themselves. You were simply adding more information to the equation, and I think that is a very good and important thing to do.
    We disagree on much, but the importance of wanting people to be both informed and to feel the love we hope to share with the world is strong between us. Much love and peace to you and yours!

  14. Stephanie says:

    I’m finding these 2 particular blog posts very much after the fact and I will admit that I was very hesitant to read them. I absolutely admire a lot of what you do, but I am unashamedly pro-choice and personally use an IUD. This is for many reasons, including the fact that never in my life have my menstrual cycles been regular and while I do believe that my daughter is a blessing and I know without a doubt that I would love any child I had without planning it first, I also know that I do not want more children right now.
    However much our belief systems differ, both practically and religiously, I love your blog because you do come across as a very open, non-judgmental person. I was still a little afraid to read these two posts however, because most life-at-conception believers tend to come across harshly. My mom is one of these and she rarely lets a conversation go by without mentioning how against our family planning she is. So I hesitated. A lot. I’ve read your blog for a long while, and went back to read old posts, but I couldn’t bring myself to read these.

    I’m glad I did. I can see your side very clearly. The hormones in most forms of birth control are bad for women and for those who believe that life begins at conception, the idea of having conception occur, but purposefully thwarting implantation is the same as having an abortion. I can respect that, even though I don’t agree.

    I wrote this ridiculously long comment to really say thank you. Thank you for not coming across as harsh and judging. I can follow a blog writer whom I disagree with, but I cannot follow one who comes across as very judgmental toward my own beliefs. Thank you for being brave enough to share your ideas, beliefs and thoughts, and thank you for being kind enough to share without judgment. I love your blog all the more because of this.

    • Heather ~ Mommypotamus says:

      Stephanie, it’s 8pm on a Friday night and I’m fighting to keep my eyes open. I’m writing the last section of a mini-ebook book I’m giving away soon, and it has to be delivered tonight. Just a moment ago I found myself avoiding it by checking comments, and I came across yours. I am so glad you took the time to write, because your words brought into perfect focus why I love connecting here, and why I feel so privileged to be part of the larger conversation we are all having here. Thank you.

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