Yesterday’s post received more first-time visitors than ever before in Mommpotamus Land. You know what? In one way I felt relieved and in another way sad. Relieved because I was thinking to myself “It’s okay, they’ll probably never come back.” Sad because I knew that if they didn’t it would be because I failed to connect with them and communicate something that is vitally important. Even worse, it might drive away some blogging friends that I have truly come to care about. Women who are passionate about breastfeeding, attachment parenting, and real food, but who likely do not believe exactly as I do.
What’s vitally important to me? It’s not issues or advocacy, I’ll tell you that. Of course, I like writing about issues. Somewhere around the seventh grade I learned that if you think differently than the mainstream, keep your mouth shut or be ridiculed. I have never thought like the mainstream and have therefore spent the last two decades keeping my thoughts to myself.
To my surprise, my most popular posts come from the secret thoughts I have kept private for so long. They are the ones I am both proudest of and most ashamed. Proud because they are the ones I “dig deep” for. They reflect the oh-so-fringe parts of who I am, and when people graciously embrace that part of me it floors me. It’s humbling and exhilarating. There’s nothing quite like having dark parts brought to the light and loved.
But there is shame, too, because as I have revealed more and more of myself here something has begun to bother me. The deeper I dig the more incomplete I find I am. Yesterday I agonized over the one element that seemed missing from my post: Love.
I couldn’t find the words to express one thing to the many types of visitors — those who are on the pill, those who support abortion rights, those who have been on the pill and felt guilty while reading my post, those who didn’t, and many others — and that one thing is love. It seems too sappy, or too simple, just to tell you that no matter who you are or what you believe I care about you. But it’s true.
It’s going to take a lot of work (more than I really want to think about), but when it’s all said and done I want the causes and the soapboxes to fade into the background. When people come here, I want them to feel loved, supported, and understood.
I don’t know if it is just that I’m not a naturally warm person or what, but it is painfully obvious that I’m better with issues and ideas than with love. I am an incomplete person. This blog has shown me that in very uncomfortable, public ways. But if you’ll come back I’d like to stick with it, because it is only when I’m trying to reach you that I am willing to do the work on myself that really needs to be done anyway.