Life on Autopilot

on August 26 | in Our House | by | with 34 Comments

Today I was planning to announce an awesome giveaway . . . probably my favorite so far. Unfortunately, our buyer backed out yesterday and I am a mess.

My midwife will be here soon for my 39 week checkup. She’ll ask me how I’m doing, and I won’t lie. I’m shutting down emotionally. I am doing exactly what I did during Katie’s birth. I am doing what my husband and I have worked so hard to avoid . . . retreating within.

Even with all that’s going on I still really, really wanted to give this surprise away because I love ya’ll and so many of you need/want it. It’s just that I am struggling to breathe. It sounds silly, I know, but it’s not just about where we live. It’s that I feel powerless. Yesterday I saw a headline about something going on in the Congo. It was so disturbing I couldn’t even read the story, and yet the bare facts listed in the headline have haunted me ever since.

I am an optimist by nature. I believe that God in me can be helping hands and an understanding heart to a world full of pain. But right now I’m afraid that if I open my mouth my heart might break, so I’ll wait.

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34 Responses to Life on Autopilot

  1. Christie says:

    Thoughts and Prayers headed your way!

  2. Daniel says:

    We’re on the same wavelength today, babe. I wrote up a post with my take too. Felt I had to get it out of my system.

  3. joanna moore says:

    so sorry to hear that! praying something 10x better comes your way!

  4. Julie says:

    I’m so sorry!! You have suffered a loss, take the time to grieve. Not to give unsolicited advice, but here is something I have seen some in real estate up here (I used to be a real estate attorney). Offer a $100-200 gift card to Lowes or Home Depot. It humanizes you in their eyes, and it’s a nice gesture that lets them know that you realize that this will be their home. It won’t cost you much money, and when they get the home inspection report back saying “you need to spend X number of dollars on repairs” they will think, “well, thanks to these nice people, I have to spend X minus $200!” Another thing you can do is offer to pay some of their closing costs. It’s still money out of your pocket, but closing costs are fixed, whereas repairs can come in above the estimated quote. Another thing is you can offer to pay some of the realtor commission that they would ordinarily pay. Like if you’re doing a FSBO, offer to pay their realtor’s commission, or if you both have realtors, pay yours and half of theirs. There are lots of options. Doing any of these things, or something else similar, will separate you in their eyes from the rest of your competition, and when you are offering them something you do not have to offer, they will be less likely to play hard-ball on the price of the house and they will view your house with much more charitable less critical eyes because they are getting a freebie. Good luck!!!

  5. Heather Ivers says:

    Oh boy. What a huge letdown. I am so understanding where you are (minus the pregnancy bit) because we’ve had our house on the market for over a year, unfortunately we haven’t even gotten as far as you, but it doesn’t make me get my hopes up any less. I’ll be praying that you can grieve this and come through to be emotionally present for your birth and for your family the way you want to be. Hugs to your sweet family!

    • Heather says:

      Thank you, Heather! I mentioned you to Cindy today and she said you might be taking the Nourished Kitchen cooking course. How do you like it?

      • Heather Ivers says:

        I am taking it! I’ve been skipping around and trying it slowly…still haven’t been able to make a rustic sourdough loaf that I’m completely happy with, but I am enjoying myself in the process! This week I’ve been trying water kefir…fun!

      • Heather says:

        I am so glad she’s providing lifetime access because with all that’s been going on I have fallen behind. So glad you’re enjoying it!

  6. Whittney says:

    Heather, I’ve just read your post and Daniel’s post at his blog. Of course I would love to come over and help you brainstorm about how to make your house more functional, but that is probably not what you want right now. So, what can we do to help? I desperately want you to rest and relieve yourself of some duties to strengthen your body, mind and spirit for this birth. You and Daniel come up with a list of things that I can do and I will. Do it right now!

    • Heather says:

      Whittney – Has anyone ever said anything really nice to you and it made you feel all warm and relaxed all over? That’s how I felt when I read your comment, which is probably why I keep reading it over and over again ; – ) It would probably be more efficient for me to go get a massage than stayed glued to my computer reading your comment all day . . . we’ll see.

      Are you going to the JBF sale in mid-Sept? I might ask you to look out for a few things for me if I’m on bedrest ; – )

      • Whittney says:

        Yep! Will actually be at Divine Consign…and would you believe that I’ve already started pumping and have recruited my inlaws to drive from Amarillo to help Barry with the kids that weekend?!?! I plan to make it my first Mama’s Day Out! Give me a list and I’ll get whatever you need. And PLEASE get a massage and tell the masseuse that you will not be chatting. (Please someone tell me why they always want to chat…one of my biggest pet peeves.) Spend that time connecting with beebs and praying!

  7. Pippi says:

    What a huge disappointed! I’ll be thinking of you!

  8. Tana says:

    I can sympathize. We moved to Bedford a year and a half ago, and decided to rent for a while to get to know the area and be sure this is where we wanted to live before we bought a house. I got pregnant a few months after that. We just decided to rent another year to get past the first year of new baby, etc. However, we received word from our landlord just two weeks before our baby was due that we needed to move out of our house in 30 days. (We had the opposite situation that you have, however, it was a HUGE house, four bedrooms, four bathrooms, two living, two large dining, which meant tons of furniture, plus our kids in school-the middle of the school year, etc. I could not even fathom packing boxes at 2 weeks postpartum, moving all of that STUFF, it was positively overwhelming). We at least negotiated for an extra month. So, there I was, 38 weeks pregnant, looking for any house available in the same or nearby school district that we could remotely fit into, with our seventh child’s birth looming on the horizon – and it was Christmas. When I found out that they wanted us to move the week after Christmas and right after the birth, I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry. I did both. I couldn’t imagine how everything was going to be okay. I didn’t want to be recovering from birth while packing. I didn’t want breast infections and other problems because of overdoing after birth. And when you are about to have a baby, the NEED TO KNOW seems really overwhelming. But I realized that in planning birth or where we live I was not and never had been the driver of the roller-coaster we call life. Someone Who loves you and me so much more than we love ourselves is actually in control. He knows exactly what He is doing TO you and IN you. It is important, Heather, that even though this is Just.Too.Much., please remember that it isn’t, really. It just seems that way. You can, you can do this. Not what you wanted. Not what you hoped for. But He is able to sustain you. Embrace His will, embrace THIS moment in your life. Say yes to the unknown, and say yes to your sweet baby being welcomed into light, into love, into laughter, and into peace. Joy is not in our circumstances, even though our flesh clings to this mightily. Joy is remembering that GOD loves us and has so much more for us than we plan for ourselves. We are all saddened that you are facing this trial, and are lifting you and your family to the Lord WHO makes all things new. I pray for peace, for acceptance and surrender for you, so that you can smile at the future in these last days, kind of like being in labor requires us to let go and let whatever needs to happen just happen, may God help you to find solace, and quiet, to pour out your heart and soul before Him, and then find thankfulness – gratitude to Him for His care for you, for protecting you from whatever was not supposed to happen, and for leading you guys to whatever He has in store for you. Your family is safe in His hands. Your path is not what you planned, but is exactly where you need to be. You can trust Him. This will be for GOOD. Really. What is required of you right now is bravery and faith…kinda like labor. You will be lovely in your God-given mama strength as you stand and face the battle, Heather. And rest in your husband’s arms as though they were the arms of God around you. Sending you lots of love and prayer. And you know that all of your friends want to help you. I’d be happy to do ANYTHING I can for you just as soon as I kick this annoying cough completely.

    • Heather says:

      Tana – Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that out. I have been struggling to keep focus so much today and the way you connected your thoughts helped me to connect mine. I’ll probably read this every day for awhile until it starts to soak in.

  9. Meredith says:

    Get on your knees in prayer for someone else. It’s amazing how it will change your perspective.

  10. ben says:

    Remember, you have friends who have no job, no house, had to drive a 3 hour treck 4 times to have the birth of their baby. Friends who face rejection everyday and have gone with an unanswered prayer for over a year. But God is still taking care of them and our love and trust in Him is growing stronger everyday. God’s ways are not always our ways. Let go of what you want, and if it is what God wants, He will bring it to you in His timing. Let’s pray for eachother as we seek God’s face in all we do. The only thing that matters in life is knowing Him. We love you guys.

    • Heather says:

      Thank you, Ben. We love you guys too and I hate that we’ve been so wrapped up in our own drama that we haven’t checked on you guys. Any news? How can we pray?

  11. Lesley says:

    Oh Heather…as I read this my heart hurt…cause I know this type of feeling and pain and I hate that you are experiencing it! I am with Whittney–what can we do? How can we help? The doula side of me wants to really dig in and help you get ready for this birth and this baby and turn your emotions to that…but that may not be what you need yet. Please know I am praying for you guys AND please let those around you help hold you up when you dont feel the strength. The Lord surrounds us with a “body” to do exactly this.
    On a side note–can I be honest and tell you that when I saw you at Bible study on Wednesday I looked at you and thought ” she is the perfect picture of a pregnant woman.” You looked absolutely stunning…on that morning you were shining from the inside out. I pray you get to feel that way again! Much love!

    • Heather says:

      Thank you so much Lesley. Since you are a doula I wonder if you could give me any advice on how to transition from this mess to focusing on the birth and welcoming our baby. I think I may go get a massage and spend that time letting my thoughts linger on this precious on that is coming soon, but other than that I’m stuck.

  12. Melinda says:

    While we don’t know each other, I’m compelled to say that even though things are a gianormous big ball of suck right now, I’m sure everything will work out for the best and turn out into what you want in it’s time. Sending you all sorts of good thoughts and a big, fat hug!!

    • Heather says:

      It’s amazing to me that someone I’ve never met would take the time to encourage me amidst my “gianormous big ball of suck.” Thank you, Melinda!!!

  13. Genevieve says:

    I can totally understand why you’d want to shut down. This is a lot to take. I’m having a baby in 2 weeks and I’m a wreck and I don’t have any other drama going on… LOL! I hope you can let go of what is and accept. This is what helps me when I’m freaking out about all the details and trying to manage something that is out of my control. Be easy on yourself and others, remembering that this too shall pass… you will come out of it stronger and wiser, that is for sure.

    Will be holding prayers for you…

    • Heather says:

      Genevieve – Thank you for your kind words. I’m curious: Since you do a video blog, does that mean your going to post part of your birth story in video format? I’m thinking about it. Daddypotamus says I’m crazy, but I think it would be awesome both to have for myself and to share.

      • Genevieve says:

        Hi Heather,

        We shall see. We will be filming it and should be able to share portions. It really depends how the birth unfolss. In the end, not sure how much I’ll be able to share as my site is rated PG ;)… LOL!

  14. Kaitlin says:

    What terrible news! I’m so sorry for you! I know we don’t know each other, although I feel like I know you since I’ve become such an avid reader of your blog in the last 5 months. (It is the first one I check during my morning blog and coffee time!) But I was so excited for you when I saw you sold your house, and I feel sadness for you now. But do keep your head up, you seem to have a very strong little family, and I believe things will work out for you. Good luck!

    • Heather says:

      Kaitlin – Back in my college days my idea of the “in crowd” was a group of philosophy major misfits, not the athletes. I have always been drawn to genuine, thoughtful people, and these days I put farmers like yourself at the top of that list. For you to say that you enjoy MY blog is such an honor, because you are the type of person I write for.

      By the way, would you believe that Kristen at Food Renegade was a fellow philosophy nerd just a couple of years ahead of me? She is seriously one of the smartest women I have ever known. Noticed she was on your blogroll ; – )

  15. Kaitlin says:

    Thank you for the heartwarming response! Our farm has certainly been an adventure, and we are still settling in to the place and the community that we want to be a part of, but we are loving every minute.
    And that’s an incredible coincidence about Kristen! So you went to school together? Where did you go? I absolutely love both of your blogs!
    I completely get what you said about loving the misfits. I am exactly like that. I’ve never been satisfied being completely “normal.” I love to explore the unknown, which a lot of the time means the unpopular. That’s probably why I am where I am at my age. I’m always up for diving into the next adventure! :-)
    I do, however, need to get better about updating my blog. I want it to be a mix of real food and farming…but I haven’t been able to decide exactly how I want to structure it yet. I’m also learning lots about wordpress and coding along the way…which I had no experience with previously!
    Your blog looks amazing by the way, I’m jealous!

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